The Streaming of Connectivity August 18, 2013
It was a gloomy day and I'm creeping back like a baby but in boredom. Maybe it's because of the weather or just another pause for my constant high and low. I felt disconnected, vague and uninspired. In an instant, I don't know where am I going to, what am I going to do, and unable to recognize where am I now. I once knew these things beyond 100% but suddenly went back to zero. My mind becomes a messy place again as well as our house. My heart is pounding again for hate potential disturbances. It started to make me feel there's a heavy magnet inside collecting auditory fuel and unprovable facts of imaginary papers ready to burn my newly found haven within. I've been working just lately like a carabao to keep these things intact, suddenly someone or something bombarded my nerves and I can't even react to it. It feels like you can clearly tell that something's wrong but you need to function anyway and yet you are immobile. l can describe it like Jesus is there and I am here, this is no good!
So whatever could be the reason is which I can't point out at this time, I need to grasp possible solution for my current obscurity. At least I can remember my familiarity to this unexplainable phenomenon within. First, I acknowledged the moment in prayer and accept the fact that I am weak, tired and need to rest. Then, I was reminded by the words "This too shall pass". Lastly is to follow my automatic feeling that I need a good book to read while I'm stocked on my bed of vagueness.
Okay, so it was a gloomy day but luckily I found a good book just perfect to arouse my curiosity: A spiritual non-fiction book titled "NO SMALL SNAKES" by Gordon Dalbey. He got my attention and made my bodily hairs erect at once when he brought up the issue of his name. Strange, puzzling to think that his name "Gordon" was always mistakenly called to be the same other name "Roger" by different people at different places and time. So he comes to a point of facing the call of this mystery through openness, consultation and faith. His first idea was that maybe it's God's call so he confided his name issue to a trusted friend, a pastor who gave him two possibilities. First is that maybe there's really a guy named Roger who look like him so they identified Gordon mistakenly with that name Roger. But using his logic, that's an impossible possibility because those people mistaken his name Gordon for Roger are located at different places and happened at different time of his life, like adulthood and teenage year. So his friend suggests the other possibility that maybe its simply means that "Roger" is really his name. He supported his idea through example in the bible that when God called them into their new mission or direction (like a go signal to move and make it happen) He usually did it by giving them a new name or may I add calling them by their heavenly name. If He can do it for Abram which became "Abraham" and Jacob which became "Israel" then He surely has the right to give him a new name, if He wants too. Wow! Weird but his friend was making sense and he also told him why not look for his name's meaning instead of solving the issue with just a conclusion. By the way, his surname "Dalbey" is a Norwegian surname and to his surprised he found out that "Roger" is also "Norse Origin" which means "Famous Spear/ God's Warrior". He untangled his own mystery through knowing God's assigned task for him. He was able to overcome his own struggle within since then; he's earthly desire to become a soldier and serve his country like his father leads him to another kind of battle which he confidently believes God's will for him to serve: Spiritual Warfare. Gordon Dalbey aka "Roger " is now a soldier of our spiritual ground while/through being a Pastor, a Teacher, a Writer and a News reporter in Barbara California with his wife and son.
So, could it be? Could it be that our name is one of the possibilities to the big question which sometimes we don't bother to ask because we know no one can give us the answer and looking within could sometimes lead us not only to our essence but also to our worldly desire? Could it be that we are blessed through our name already even before we were born? Could it be that what we ought to be has been declared by The Lord on how we are to be called?
Excited as I always were I hurriedly typed my name in GOOGLE hoping to find out any special meaning aside from what's already in my mind and to my unsurprised, Cristine has only one meaning from web to web which says " Follower of Christ". So what? I told myself in dismay, Cristine as Follower of Christ it's too obvious! I don't have to google it to get an idea of what it could possibly mean! And besides it's so general, I mean anyone can be a follower of Christ even if his name is "Daemon" hellow! (My inside dialogue with my feet stumping for God like a childish rebellion). So I come up to another possibility and tried to recall if I had any experience similar to Mr. Gordon Dalbey, but nothing I can remember of anyone who mistakenly called me in any other name than "Cristy" which also has the same meaning as Cristine. Okay, I'm stuck here as Follower of Christ and while my disappointment subside I remembered yesterday when I was also searching through GOOGLE "How to know God's Will?". What marked my memory was the speech of the pastor mentioning "Peter", one of Jesus's Apostles. The one who always followed him nearly even if it means to do the impossible things as Jesus did like for example walking on a roaring sea. Too late to apologize in prayer when I feel ashamed for speaking quickly that being Jesus's follower is as if just a chicken thing! In fact I should be trembling now. I realized, yes anyone can be a follower of Christ but really? Is there anyone here including myself willing to follow him to the Cross if Peter, his most passionate follower who witnessed his miracles personally, denied him when he's about to be crucified?Not to mention that I'm still struggling to understand the logic of his commands and still wrestle to truly believe that we are capable of loving our enemy other than hating them. I became as little as a dot when I realized my stupidity. Finally, I accept the possibility that it might be one of the hint of God's will for me. If it is really from Him then He will make me realize it confidently and give me strength to do his will in time.
But my curiosity doesn't stop there! How about my friends's names? My sister's name or my husband's name? Excited as I always be, I typed the name "Adiel". Why in the world my best friend's name when there are so many names appeared in my head like my husband's name which should excite me more than any other names? Maybe because, I don't think anymore, I'm just functioning unconsciously. To my amazement, my bodily hairs erect at once, again, when I read the meaning of her name. More so, when I remember my poem for her titled "The Black Sampaguita". I never thought it would be connected to her name's meaning. It wasn't one of my favorite but I can say it was my genuine poem of her as how I perceived AJ. In addition to connectedness, I also searched for the biblical explanation of the given meaning since it still sounded to be something to discern. To my surprise, the example of the nearest biblical passage or should I say exact elaboration of her name meaning can be found at 1 Peter 3:4. When it seems something made sense to me somehow, thoughts in amazement comes to play... That the meaning of her name and her constant struggle in life are both on the opposite side. So could it be? That maybe like "Roger", if she'll finally be able to untangle her own mystery in God's will, she'll be able to reach the opposite side where she ought to be sitting there beautifully as her name Adiel Joy? Yes! I believe so, if she'll claim it, she'll own it, she'll be it and in God's grace, she'll shine through it! Then, I remember our last conversation, the phrase that struck me was when she said that the highest of all powers revealed "How beautifully and wonderfully she was made". It excites me to think that the spotlight finally shine on her. Therefore, I silenced myself and smiled, even those things are being held on us differently, though its source is only one. Indeed they are mysteriously connected to each other. Okay, back to "name " but rather telling you the meaning of her name which might be no apparent reason for you to know, why not ask how about your name? Could it be? Thanks to a gloomy day that gave me a beautiful adventure while lying in my bed...The ball is in your backyard now.