We are “Alone”
It wasn’t really very apparent. In fact what’s apparent was... It’s her strength “being alone”.
Until that night when the other side of her vulnerability spoke from unapparent world.
So, you think I have somebody?
Or I don’t need anybody, I’m better off alone?
Have you ever surrendered your knee for anyone?
When you knew they were long gone
and you feel wanting to come home
but nobody’s there anymore to give you a warm welcome?
It’s when you’ve been getting aware you’re growing-up with the help of someone else rather than your own parents and you wonder how could they live every day without you, without taking care of you, without longing for your smile and loving arms and helpless eyes.
It’s when you hear the elders talking about your irresponsible father after all those years with no support and you learned to be jealous of his other family. Only to rediscover that you can forget a hundred cursing things of him whenever he shows up like he just left yesterday when in your 9 years on earth you remembered him seeing you a couple of very rare times, some of it took 365 days passing by and some of it was a sneak peak, cheat visit unknown to her current wife. And then it doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day you will still be left alone and it’s a never ending cycle you know.
It’s when you know you’re not really an only child and you have a brother and a sister, complete siblings. But the other one is in Visayas, the other in Luzon and you’re in Mindanao.
It’s when you have to chew the price of being reunited to your biological mother by the fact that one of your known parent died and the other known parent left will be left alone too.
It’s when you have to take it down to your stomach, that one of your loving parents left who took care of you since your biological parents forgot how awful to left a child, died in grief when you decided to get off on the boat with your biological mother while she’s crying vulnerably on the shore. Then one day you’re biological mother had soon gone to another country and left you again to someone else’s care.
And then in being alone you’re getting up day by day with all your atoms grieving for the only person who can sacrifice to be alone for your longing to be with someone else who happened to have a hobby of leaving you behind.
It’s when you use to rely on yourself trying to believe in Guardian Angels and that God would never abandon you… until that day you realized you’re in hell. And you cursed the sky the moon and the stars because they teased you every night looked like happily living together in heaven and you’re here alone in the dark.
It’s when you’re still striving to look for the light even if you have to go through that darkness until you found your own grave and you remembered you’re the only one who has been digging it all this time. Even to your own death you take care of yourself alone and it doesn’t crossed in your mind that in giving birth even twins have to go through a hole alone! (except siamese twins).
So what’s the point of all these crap now? Everybody’s alone. My husband has his own share of being alone and still afraid to be alone. My biological father left alone and made love to several women because he cannot stand being alone. My biological mother gone somewhere and found someone else because she’s alone. My brother who happened to be an only child of them, whom I envy because he’s with my father… is always outside their home because he feels alone. My sister grew up the same as me, alone, and when we live together it did't went out that well because we were used to live alone. My Step Mother couldn't let go of my father despite everything because she'd rather die than to be left alone. I did all those crap in my life because I felt terrible to be alone. I’m so weak and full of rage because of all the experiences and failures to handle things that never failed to break my bones; I’ve fought too hard and too harsh for I can’t just sit here and savour the pain of being alone. See, "Stupidity is inborn, how can we be ALONE?”.